The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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