You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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