I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
