they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
