I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
