i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
