So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
