the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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