My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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