I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
