I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
