the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
