I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
