she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
