The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
