I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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