Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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