she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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