I heard we made out
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
