At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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