I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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