If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
