So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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