The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just found puke in my bra..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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