I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize