i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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