Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
