Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
