Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
