blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just found puke in my bra..
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
