she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize