I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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