I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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