Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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