Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
