Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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