Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
