Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We got so high we made milksteak
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
