Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
