IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
