like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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