***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
