Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
