You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
