I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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