Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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