i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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