he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
