Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize