I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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