i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
