i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
