you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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