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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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