I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
