What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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