I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
