I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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