So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
