Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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