So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
