John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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