I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
