I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
